Stepdad's Thoughts

My thought and feelings.

Just not up to it….

I’ve not posted lately simply because I am not feeling up to putting all my thoughts online. Lately I have had much self doubt… I’m finding it hard to be motivated to really do much. I’ve had to put on a good face for some family functions but truthfully my heart is not in it. I’ve not been to Hapkido or done any type of exercise. Work is getting done simply because I have been dragged into issues.

I sure wish I new what the problem was.

July 7, 2011 Posted by | Concerns, General | , , , , | Leave a comment

Old feelings

I’m not sure I have done the right thing by being tough on rules with my step-kids. I say that because I really didn’t/don’t get 100% agreement with my wife, their mother. We’ve been married for almost 6 years and we still seem to see things differently. Kids and rules, discipline, chores, etc… are things we did not discuss before getting married, and looking back we really should have. I am hard lined while my wife is more lenient.

I simply expect the rules to be followed, I can see forgetting or simply ignoring sometimes but when it becomes a regular thing I have a real problem. The typical answer in the afternoon, “I was tired” just doesn’t fly with me when their mother has told them to put the dishes up when they get home then do homework… three hours later neither is done. Then there is the pretty regular lying about things, primarily homework or the lack of or it’s all done, really bothers me. It bothers me to the point I don’t want to be there at times. We went through this with my stepdaughter now with my stepson, my step daughter is away at college now.

Respect; neither of the kids seem to be able to respect their mother. She tells them to do things and they just do their own thing; I see this as disrespect toward their mother. I don’t have respect from them and I have given up even worrying about ever getting it. I do get very angry at the lack of respect given to their mother and many times have made situations worse.

At 18 and 14 years old I would have thought they might show more regular obedience and respect toward their mother than they do.

Maybe the whole problem is me and this is kids just being kids. I simply don’t know. I know I was not like this toward my parents; I never had kids so I could be so far of base it is unreal. All I know is it all bothers me. I started writing to help me release the pent up feelings but lately I’ve been afraid to write for lack of the words to put down how I feel. I’m still not sure I have put down the right words now; I just felt like putting something down.

I guess I’ll continue playing with our dog and working at learning Hapkido, at least I have an idea of where I stand there.

February 8, 2011 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Christmas Shopping

Why is it that I am waiting to the last few days, OK 10 days, to get my wife a Christmas present? I have in my head what I want to get her I just need to get off my but and get into the stores to get it. Yeah I could shop online but that just doesn’t seem right, it’s not the way it used to be done. It’s just not personal to me. I am going to get off work a little early and get what I have in mind for her…

I have my Dad’s gift and some for my stepson… What to get my Mom, sister and niece is a mystery right now.

December 16, 2010 Posted by | General | , , , , | Leave a comment

Random Thoughts

It’s lunch time and I thought I would put down the various random thoughts I have.

Tomorrow is Sept. 11, 2010; the 9 year anniversary or memorial of the attacks by radical Muslims on the USA and its’ people. I believe for many that the attacks are just a distant memory, the solidarity that was created by the attacks has now left many Americans. I personally still feel the same sorrow for those lost now that I did then. I have come to love my country and its people more since that day. I worry more about the direction the government is taking us and feel lost as to what action I can take to correct the course.

We continue to hear the USA needs to be tolerant of others ie Muslims and their beliefs. What about ours?!!! Is there no taking into account that people were killed 9 years ago for some fucked up religious war the Muslims have laid on us. Yes, the USA has military in many places some I am sure we don’t need to be it but they are fighting others with guns. We are not randomly lining up civilians and killing them. Part of me wants the “EYE FOR AN EYE” justice to kick in so we, the USA, can kick ass.

Move the mosque! In the USA we have freedom of religion; that means the government will not and does not mandate a religion the people must follow. That’s a big part of why our ancestors came to America to begin with. I’ve heard there are some 200 mosques in New York already, don’t build one at ‘Ground Zero’. Move it several blocks away and all will be fine. The muslims scream for the Americans to be respectful and tolerant of their beliefs, where’s the respect from them toward us. This is America, if you don’t like it GET THE HELL OUT!

****

I’ve been trying to take my blog entries and convert them into a MS Word document, making a book of sorts. I have toyed with the idea of giving it to my wife and step kids, thinking that the might read it. I started writing for that very reason, I am positive they have not seen any of what I have written with the exception of one or two entries, the poems. Now I think it would simply be too big for them to be able to read due to lack of attention and in some cases lack of caring. I am pretty sure my wife would read it and would switch between being angry, sad, hurt, upset, etc… as she read what I’ve felt over the last year.

I have taken time to look over the entries and I see FAILURE. Failure on my part of being able to change enough to form much of a relationship with my step kids. I am too tough on following the rules and respecting your parents to make it work. I really have just given up. I am focusing more on my Hapkido and playing with our dog, at least I know where I stand on those. Hunting season starts in November, I am starting to focus on prep for that also.

Time to go; Work is calling.

September 10, 2010 Posted by | Books, Concerns, General, Random | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ridiculous action by current Administration on illegal immigration

How stupid can Obama and his people be? Listen to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, she has it right.

June 29, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Hap Ki Do, Politics | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Back to the usual

I’m back in the office after a week working in remote offices performing upgrades and after the Memorial Day weekend.

Once again I was able to open my mouth and prove I am able to create problems in the house. Yard work; I was told by my stepson that he was going to mow the yard on Saturday after he played paintball with his friends which I was fine with. Once he got home he was then too hot and sweaty to do the yard but he would do it in the morning. I too was OK with that but told him he needed to have it done by 1200 since we had planned a visit to my parents house to take them to dinner. By 900am no yard work was being done. So I did it. Once I finished I came in to see my step son sitting in front of the TV eating cereal, it’s just after 1200. He said he was sorry he didn’t get up to do the yard, I responded by telling him I was sadly getting used to him not keeping his word. Later as we were getting ready to go the yard topic came up again… he gave me some reason for not doing the work, I informed him that he always had an excuse for not doing what he said he was going to do. That set off the fireworks. he then decided he was not going to go… his Mom wanted me to apologize so he would go, I refused since I was telling the truth as to what happens. I did apologized for the fact that he was upset by my words but they were true and I would not apologize for them. As I told her he was mad because he was called on his lack following through his inability to keep his word. yeah I know he’s 13 but he should be able to do what he says… what is expected of him. Hell on Monday he asked to use his Mom’s laptop; she told him yes as long as he got dressed for the day. Two hours later he comes down stairs… NOT dressed. I brought it to his and his Mom’s attention. You would have thought I shot someone… I got a load of crap about “sorry I’m not perfect”… WHAT DOES BEING PERFECT HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING DRESSED AS YOUR MOM SAID??!! His mom said nothing to him, I was PISSED OFF. I kept my mouth shut, I realize I expect too much.

Friday night I was informed by my wife that her daughter told her she thinks I don’t like her. I told wife she was close to being correct. I told my wife I did not like the person her daughter was around the house. She is very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. So I headed upstairs to talk with my step-daughter. As I began to talk I started things of as I said to her mother. My stepdaughter seemed to take what I said to heart. I told her she had been; very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. Thus I reacted by keeping my distance from her. I told her I did not want to be around someone that treated their mother so poorly. I also told her that I thought she had good qualities or she wouldn’t have the number of friends that she has. She agreed with me. I let here know I was hurt by hearing her mother talk about how she has been cut out of her daughters life. Prom came and went and her mother was not asked to be involved and when she did try was cut off. That and other things I told her make me not want to be around her.I told her I know I am hard to live with but I see things real simple and have trouble understanding why they, her and her brother, can’t follow my list;

  • Respect you Mother
  • Follow you Mothers rules *simple things like bedtime, do the dishes, etc…*
  • Do what your Mother says or asks

(I quite frankly EXPECT these to be done.)

I think my step-daughter understood what I was saying; later that night before she headed to bed her mom and both got good night hugs and prior to hat she actually sat and talked with us a bit. It was nice to see the change, I hope it continues. Yes there are still issues and one night is not a show that all is solved but it is a move the right direction.

Right now my step-son is on my out list. He was asking me to take him to play paintball, help him and friends start their summer workout, etc… I will not do it. I have my conditions until they are met regularly his mom or dad can deal with him.

June 1, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Outsider

I am back in that place where I feel like the outsider in my own house. I’ve written about this before, I just don’t feel that I belong in this house. I see discipline and respect disregarded too much and when I get to the point I’ve had enough it’s too hard and I end up being the bad guy. Last night I had my stepson change the channel to a show I knew his Mom liked to watch. Actually I had him auto-tune it so the TV would change at the proper time. He did it then said he would have to go upstairs, he was watching a show… so as he got up to leave I told him to put it on the desired channel… he them complained that I should do it… I told him he should do it since I was in the kitchen working on dinner and he was standing next to the TV… the bitching from him continued in which I told him to shut up before he got into real trouble.

I was then cross examined by my wife on what I did wrong… I lost it… All I was doing was having a show on the TV that I knew she liked to watch, the boy had been home since 3pm, it was now 7pm, watching TV so I felt it would be OK for her to see a show she liked.

No good deed goes unpunished!!!

I spent the rest of the evening by my self… I just don’t feel lie I belong. I tried to do something not to make anyone mad but to do something little I thought my wife would like. I guess I need to not worry about what others will like and just take care of myself.

May 18, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

New Used Car

It looks like I’ll be purchasing a ‘New used Car’ for my stepdaughter. In July 2009 we found a used 2001 Hyundai Sonata for $2300 that we purchased for her. It unfortunately has turned into a money pit… I am by no means a car buff and will not pretend to be one. I did have the car checked out by the shop we use and nothing major was found to be a problem.

Now the alternator and A/C compressor have gone and it will cost just about the price of the car to get it fixed.

Time to cut our loses and find something better, more mechanically reliable. Now to figure out what that is. I refuse, as does my wife, to buy her a new car. I am actually thinking about having her, stepdaughter, make payments on the new used car.

Just one more thing to add the stress bucket and cost bucket of the last two weeks.

The bucket: Bear, work, Home, car…

April 22, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Moving out

I just found out my step-daughter is planning to move to her Dad’s after she graduates from High School in a few months. This really doesn’t make her Mother very happy. Her mother asked her what was going to do with her things in her room… her response was to move her clothes. Then she was asked about college, the reply was her Dad and boyfriend could help her move.

This makes me think she is going to cut away from her mother. She’ll be 18 and has that right. My questions are what financial help will I now be responsible to handle. While living in our house I was  fine doing what was needed, when she moves out what then??? My thought is her Dad is now responsible or she is.

College requirements per my step-daughter;

  • refridgerator
  • laptop
  • printer
  • etc…

Things we WERE going to get… Should I now or is it her Dad’s responsibility? From my understanding her Dad is not able to help much with college costs which leaves the burden on her Mother and I. Does this change now that she will not be living with us?

The entire idea of her moving out, the way it is being done, is hurting her Mother greatly, yet she will not say anything to her daughter.

I’m a bit confused on what to do and what my responsibilities are and if they change any.

She is a good kid but quite self centered and inconsiderate when it comes to her Mother.

I guess time will tell. I’ll do what her Mother wants, but i will let her know my thoughts and will not hesitate to to say NO if I see an issue.

April 7, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Invisible

I had a quiet evening in the woods Saturday night, with plenty of time to think and analyze life. Home life still gives me grief; I don’t see the kids giving their Mother the respect she deserves much less providing any to me. I was again was put in my place with the words “I wasn’t talking to you” by my stepson. That really didn’t sit well with me I clearly let him know; I was later told by my wife that I was too hard.

I’ve reached the point that I really don’t enjoy going home. It’s bad that I feel this way but I do. I am sure most of the problem is me not being able to let go of  the way I feel kids should respect their parents, and the fact that I have come to the realization I have little influence to affect change in that at home.

This is really getting old, I seem to be writing the same things over and over. I feel invisible so often that I wonder why I am there.

My stepdaughter goes off to college this fall she thinks she is ready, at times I really wonder. “Being on my own” is what I hear then she comes asking for money or makes comments about us spending her college money. Who worked to make the money? She doesn’t have a job but might be lucky to get one today after her interview. She was supposed to be working in order the have the car she has been driving since summer. It’s not the money that bothers me but the fact that what I have laid down as the requirements are flat ignored. The agreement, at least I thought, was to have a job to buy gas to drive the car. Instead she used Birthday and Christmas money to fund the car use. The job was all about learning responsibility. It got to the point I couldn’t even bring up the job subject without getting a disgusted response which in turn angered me, etc… I was finally to the point I just shut down. Nothing gets resolved.

My stepson stays in his little world and plays his Xbox. When told to do something there are hundreds of reasons why he can’t do it, from I don’t want to, to something hurts or just flat ignoring the issue. When I try to enforce the rules I turn into the bad guy. I’m tired of it, I am invisible. It seems to not really matter what I do we end up with me taking the side of “do what your Mother has said”. Which in turn makes me the bad guy.

The bottom line is I feel invisible. I hurt inside, I feel empty, I feel that I have little value at home other than to take up space and play with my dog. Yes, I try off and on but nothing lasts. I eventually fall into the same feelings of uselessness and irritation over the respect issue which in turn takes me off track. It’s even affecting work, hence I am writing right now. My motivation to do more to work to make things better is pretty much gone. I just exist… One day I hope to find a solution but for now I will remain invisible.

March 8, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments