Stepdad's Thoughts

My thought and feelings.

Old feelings

I’m not sure I have done the right thing by being tough on rules with my step-kids. I say that because I really didn’t/don’t get 100% agreement with my wife, their mother. We’ve been married for almost 6 years and we still seem to see things differently. Kids and rules, discipline, chores, etc… are things we did not discuss before getting married, and looking back we really should have. I am hard lined while my wife is more lenient.

I simply expect the rules to be followed, I can see forgetting or simply ignoring sometimes but when it becomes a regular thing I have a real problem. The typical answer in the afternoon, “I was tired” just doesn’t fly with me when their mother has told them to put the dishes up when they get home then do homework… three hours later neither is done. Then there is the pretty regular lying about things, primarily homework or the lack of or it’s all done, really bothers me. It bothers me to the point I don’t want to be there at times. We went through this with my stepdaughter now with my stepson, my step daughter is away at college now.

Respect; neither of the kids seem to be able to respect their mother. She tells them to do things and they just do their own thing; I see this as disrespect toward their mother. I don’t have respect from them and I have given up even worrying about ever getting it. I do get very angry at the lack of respect given to their mother and many times have made situations worse.

At 18 and 14 years old I would have thought they might show more regular obedience and respect toward their mother than they do.

Maybe the whole problem is me and this is kids just being kids. I simply don’t know. I know I was not like this toward my parents; I never had kids so I could be so far of base it is unreal. All I know is it all bothers me. I started writing to help me release the pent up feelings but lately I’ve been afraid to write for lack of the words to put down how I feel. I’m still not sure I have put down the right words now; I just felt like putting something down.

I guess I’ll continue playing with our dog and working at learning Hapkido, at least I have an idea of where I stand there.

February 8, 2011 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Look in my eyes

My stepson was a REAL ass last night to his mother. She went up stairs to make sure he was headed to bed; she found him sitting in the floor with the radio blaring, the TV on, lights on in three rooms. She told him it was time to go to bed and that he did not need to have everything on and loud. He looked at her and said, “look at these eyes, does it look like I care”. I was down stairs and heard this so I went up stairs, since he did not say it to me I was not going to get on him. I did say it was amazing how his poor attitude and disrespect can make everyone miserable in the house. I later told my wife that if he was my flesh and blood I would have put a good whipping to him, taken any number of his electronics away… ANYTHING to make it quite clear that was not acceptable. She was too tired, too beat down I think, to try to fight it. She said she would address it the next day, that’s today. I am of the opinion that things require immediate action for the punishment to really mean anything.

I had trouble falling a sleep last night because I was so pissed off over the shitty actions of the boy. He’s 13, you would think he would have a bit more sense.

He’s not my son, flesh and blood, so I am not going to take him the proverbial wood shed where he needs to go to get a KING SIZE whipping. I will how ever keep my distance and NOT take him hunting with me… Over reaction on my part? Maybe. But I tired of the crap, it makes life around the house tough.

If you want to act like an ass then I will treat you like one.

October 15, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Back to the usual

I’m back in the office after a week working in remote offices performing upgrades and after the Memorial Day weekend.

Once again I was able to open my mouth and prove I am able to create problems in the house. Yard work; I was told by my stepson that he was going to mow the yard on Saturday after he played paintball with his friends which I was fine with. Once he got home he was then too hot and sweaty to do the yard but he would do it in the morning. I too was OK with that but told him he needed to have it done by 1200 since we had planned a visit to my parents house to take them to dinner. By 900am no yard work was being done. So I did it. Once I finished I came in to see my step son sitting in front of the TV eating cereal, it’s just after 1200. He said he was sorry he didn’t get up to do the yard, I responded by telling him I was sadly getting used to him not keeping his word. Later as we were getting ready to go the yard topic came up again… he gave me some reason for not doing the work, I informed him that he always had an excuse for not doing what he said he was going to do. That set off the fireworks. he then decided he was not going to go… his Mom wanted me to apologize so he would go, I refused since I was telling the truth as to what happens. I did apologized for the fact that he was upset by my words but they were true and I would not apologize for them. As I told her he was mad because he was called on his lack following through his inability to keep his word. yeah I know he’s 13 but he should be able to do what he says… what is expected of him. Hell on Monday he asked to use his Mom’s laptop; she told him yes as long as he got dressed for the day. Two hours later he comes down stairs… NOT dressed. I brought it to his and his Mom’s attention. You would have thought I shot someone… I got a load of crap about “sorry I’m not perfect”… WHAT DOES BEING PERFECT HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING DRESSED AS YOUR MOM SAID??!! His mom said nothing to him, I was PISSED OFF. I kept my mouth shut, I realize I expect too much.

Friday night I was informed by my wife that her daughter told her she thinks I don’t like her. I told wife she was close to being correct. I told my wife I did not like the person her daughter was around the house. She is very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. So I headed upstairs to talk with my step-daughter. As I began to talk I started things of as I said to her mother. My stepdaughter seemed to take what I said to heart. I told her she had been; very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. Thus I reacted by keeping my distance from her. I told her I did not want to be around someone that treated their mother so poorly. I also told her that I thought she had good qualities or she wouldn’t have the number of friends that she has. She agreed with me. I let here know I was hurt by hearing her mother talk about how she has been cut out of her daughters life. Prom came and went and her mother was not asked to be involved and when she did try was cut off. That and other things I told her make me not want to be around her.I told her I know I am hard to live with but I see things real simple and have trouble understanding why they, her and her brother, can’t follow my list;

  • Respect you Mother
  • Follow you Mothers rules *simple things like bedtime, do the dishes, etc…*
  • Do what your Mother says or asks

(I quite frankly EXPECT these to be done.)

I think my step-daughter understood what I was saying; later that night before she headed to bed her mom and both got good night hugs and prior to hat she actually sat and talked with us a bit. It was nice to see the change, I hope it continues. Yes there are still issues and one night is not a show that all is solved but it is a move the right direction.

Right now my step-son is on my out list. He was asking me to take him to play paintball, help him and friends start their summer workout, etc… I will not do it. I have my conditions until they are met regularly his mom or dad can deal with him.

June 1, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Outsider

I am back in that place where I feel like the outsider in my own house. I’ve written about this before, I just don’t feel that I belong in this house. I see discipline and respect disregarded too much and when I get to the point I’ve had enough it’s too hard and I end up being the bad guy. Last night I had my stepson change the channel to a show I knew his Mom liked to watch. Actually I had him auto-tune it so the TV would change at the proper time. He did it then said he would have to go upstairs, he was watching a show… so as he got up to leave I told him to put it on the desired channel… he them complained that I should do it… I told him he should do it since I was in the kitchen working on dinner and he was standing next to the TV… the bitching from him continued in which I told him to shut up before he got into real trouble.

I was then cross examined by my wife on what I did wrong… I lost it… All I was doing was having a show on the TV that I knew she liked to watch, the boy had been home since 3pm, it was now 7pm, watching TV so I felt it would be OK for her to see a show she liked.

No good deed goes unpunished!!!

I spent the rest of the evening by my self… I just don’t feel lie I belong. I tried to do something not to make anyone mad but to do something little I thought my wife would like. I guess I need to not worry about what others will like and just take care of myself.

May 18, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why?

On May 1 my wife and I bought a pool table and foosball table for our game room, they were delivered on Saturday May 8. We thought it would be something the kids would be able to enjoy with us and their friends. The kids were at their Dad’s house Friday and Saturday and came home on Sunday morning for Mother’s Day. Talk about under excited!!! I figured they would be quite excited to see the tables and want to play right away, instead it was more like Mom and stepdad bought a new dust mop for the house.

After the Mother’s Day dinner and family had gone home and my stepdaughter went to work my stepson and I played pool. After the first game we got my wife in to it also and the three of us played pool. We then played foosball, them against me. We had a good time with verbal jabs and laughter; I won. I want to teach my stepson the proper way to play foosball so he can be the winner against his friends.

It’s hurtful how the kids react to the things their mother does for them. She loves her kids dearly but seems to get knocked down and ignored more than anything. Especially by her daughter(SD) who seems to have become one of the most selfish, self centered, disrespectful people I know. All she sees and thinks about is herself and what she wants regardless of what her mother may want to do for her, need her to do, etc… Hell they can’t even have a civil conversation with out SD getting an attitude as if she is being interrogated.

My wife’s mother came to stay with us over the weekend, she arrived Friday afternoon before 3pm. My stepdaughter decided it was more important to go swimming with friends instead of taking a few minutes to see her Grandmother and Grandfather that she hadn’t seen in 6 months, I believe. It’s little things like this that really make me wonder why I should bother to do anything for her. Her birthday is this week and we have graciously been allowed to take her to dinner tonight, we found out this morning.

At least her son is more caring, he seems to really enjoy being around family and us. Yes he can get into the mode where he is an absolute pain and create problems and be disrespectful, etc… but in the grand scheme of things he enjoys being around family.

It’s so damn frustrating. I just don’t understand it.

May 10, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Moving out

I just found out my step-daughter is planning to move to her Dad’s after she graduates from High School in a few months. This really doesn’t make her Mother very happy. Her mother asked her what was going to do with her things in her room… her response was to move her clothes. Then she was asked about college, the reply was her Dad and boyfriend could help her move.

This makes me think she is going to cut away from her mother. She’ll be 18 and has that right. My questions are what financial help will I now be responsible to handle. While living in our house I was  fine doing what was needed, when she moves out what then??? My thought is her Dad is now responsible or she is.

College requirements per my step-daughter;

  • refridgerator
  • laptop
  • printer
  • etc…

Things we WERE going to get… Should I now or is it her Dad’s responsibility? From my understanding her Dad is not able to help much with college costs which leaves the burden on her Mother and I. Does this change now that she will not be living with us?

The entire idea of her moving out, the way it is being done, is hurting her Mother greatly, yet she will not say anything to her daughter.

I’m a bit confused on what to do and what my responsibilities are and if they change any.

She is a good kid but quite self centered and inconsiderate when it comes to her Mother.

I guess time will tell. I’ll do what her Mother wants, but i will let her know my thoughts and will not hesitate to to say NO if I see an issue.

April 7, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

On going Frustration

I continue to be frustrated by what I see as the kids lack of respect toward their mother. Little things like do the dishes when you get home from school, go to bed when told, come down stairs when called (don’t ask why), wear your coat, etc… It drives me up the wall. I have been told the kids should do what their Mom says because she says not because I get involved. But this ingrained HATRED for the lack of action, disrespect as I see it makes it VERY hard for me to stay out of the conversations. Unfortunately when I do get involved I will quickly escalate the problem and make it worse many times.

I don’t know how to handle this. I was raised to do as I was told, and I did. If I didn’t I felt the consequences of my actions or in-actions. These guys have no clue of consequences.

I am frustrated and pissed off at times.

The last two days I have tried to keep my mouth shut and have even walked out of the room or house when the disrespect starts. I don’t want to be around it and don’t seem to have any control to correct it.

December 8, 2009 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Home Stress

I am struggling with home life. I am much more comfortable at work, in the backyard, any place away from the house. All the things I have tried seem to not be working any more. I have a few things I have fun with right now; our dog, Hapkido and hunting. Life around the house is too stressed. The “ME” mentality the kids exhibit is driving me nuts. I don’t want to be around it, it seems they mostly just want and have no clue they need to give some. I am just about out of “give”.

I’m going hunting tomorrow and will be gone for 4 to 6 days, may be I will be able to make peace in my head and deal with home life better. I hate leaving my wife home alone, the kids will be with their Dad, and she will have a weekend alone. If the drive wasn’t so far I would get her to come with me for at least a day but that would mean she would be driving home alone and I don’t like that idea nor does she.

I’ll try to do a lot of thinking while I’m in the woods, may be some writing also. I’ve been wanting to start working on the “Questions For My Father” book may be I can do that. I imagine it will help open some emotions while trying to answer the questions it has. I’m going to take a book also, one I started a while back. It’s pure pleasure reading. nothing to learn or think about. It’s a suspense, counter terrorism type book, stuff I like.

I hope I can find a way to cope with the stress. Hapkido is tonight, I usually feel pretty good after the exercise so that is good.

November 5, 2009 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Realization

I have come to the realization that my step daughter does not want to see things my way and will fight against me if I try to push her in any direction.

For three weeks I believe she has not worked at the job she had to get in order to have a car. I have tried a few times to make her understand she needs to work to pay for gas and to do other things she would like. The last time I tried she gave me the “I don’t want to talk about it” response. What money she had saved I am guessing is soon to me gone which will make it  very hard to feed the car; with gas prices near $2.45 per gallon she will be out of cash soon. At that point she will be going to Mom for money to fill the tank. I am against doing this for any other purpose that going to/from school. That means no more going to lunch with friends and running around town for the hell of it.  I feel we, her Mom and I, did our part; we bought the car, paid to have it thoroughly check by a mechanic, pay the insurance cost and other upkeep needs; all she is responsible to do is have a job to buy gasoline.

She has said many times she wants to make her own mistakes… here comes one of many. No job. No money. No go.

 

November 2, 2009 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Selfish children…Why?

I have been trying to understand the reason for the lack of carrying I see around our house from the kids. This while trying to figure out how to be a dad/stepdad… I see a lot of uncaring with the kids, they seem not to really give a hoot about the tasks they are given, and when reminded (numerous times when needed) it’s as if we have given them something to do that will break the world. It is very frustrating for me. Simple thing such as keep your rooms clean. I am fortunate to be able to have someone come in to clean most of the house; the kids are told to keep their rooms clean so she can vacuum, dust, etc… This person is told that if you are unable to get in the room easily or things are covering the dresser tops etc… then don’t clean. We are at that point where dusting is almost non-existent in one room and a little better in the other.  No matter what is tried it just doesn’t seem to change, a day or two yes them we are back to the SOS.

I have wondered if it would be best to just back out of trying. Let their mom handle it and just go about my own tasks and activities. I have trouble with that because of my issues with her not getting the respect she deserve from the kids. I guess that falls under the selfish thing.

I did some reading on selfish children and it appears it is a common thing with kids from 11 to 17… it has something to do with the parts of the brain used to make decisions.

A study by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore in 2006, a cognitive neuroscientist from University College London, UK, shows the following;

Blakemore found that teenagers rely on the rear part of the metalizing network to make their decisions, an area of the brain called the superior temporal sulcus. In contrast, adults use the front part, called the prefrontal cortex.

The superior temporal sulcus is involved in processing very basic behavioral actions, whereas the prefrontal cortex is involved in more complex functions such as processing how decisions affect others. So the research implies that “teenagers are less able to understand the consequences of their actions”, says Blakemore.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn10030-why-adolescents-put-themselves-first.html

I’m not sure what the answer is, it seems there are others out there that are also looking for answers. I found where a teenage, or so it stated, answered the question by saying it is a phase of growing up and parents need to let go. I wonder what would happen if, what I call, ‘tough-love’ would have an impact.

“Tough-love” in action: Parents turn the tables and become as selfish as the kids are. Do this to show them how they act toward others.

I have no clue what will work or if any thing other than time is required, it’s frustrating.

Oh well, just more rambling…

August 21, 2009 Posted by | General | , , , , | Leave a comment