Stepdad's Thoughts

My thought and feelings.

Old feelings

I’m not sure I have done the right thing by being tough on rules with my step-kids. I say that because I really didn’t/don’t get 100% agreement with my wife, their mother. We’ve been married for almost 6 years and we still seem to see things differently. Kids and rules, discipline, chores, etc… are things we did not discuss before getting married, and looking back we really should have. I am hard lined while my wife is more lenient.

I simply expect the rules to be followed, I can see forgetting or simply ignoring sometimes but when it becomes a regular thing I have a real problem. The typical answer in the afternoon, “I was tired” just doesn’t fly with me when their mother has told them to put the dishes up when they get home then do homework… three hours later neither is done. Then there is the pretty regular lying about things, primarily homework or the lack of or it’s all done, really bothers me. It bothers me to the point I don’t want to be there at times. We went through this with my stepdaughter now with my stepson, my step daughter is away at college now.

Respect; neither of the kids seem to be able to respect their mother. She tells them to do things and they just do their own thing; I see this as disrespect toward their mother. I don’t have respect from them and I have given up even worrying about ever getting it. I do get very angry at the lack of respect given to their mother and many times have made situations worse.

At 18 and 14 years old I would have thought they might show more regular obedience and respect toward their mother than they do.

Maybe the whole problem is me and this is kids just being kids. I simply don’t know. I know I was not like this toward my parents; I never had kids so I could be so far of base it is unreal. All I know is it all bothers me. I started writing to help me release the pent up feelings but lately I’ve been afraid to write for lack of the words to put down how I feel. I’m still not sure I have put down the right words now; I just felt like putting something down.

I guess I’ll continue playing with our dog and working at learning Hapkido, at least I have an idea of where I stand there.


February 8, 2011 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Back to the usual

I’m back in the office after a week working in remote offices performing upgrades and after the Memorial Day weekend.

Once again I was able to open my mouth and prove I am able to create problems in the house. Yard work; I was told by my stepson that he was going to mow the yard on Saturday after he played paintball with his friends which I was fine with. Once he got home he was then too hot and sweaty to do the yard but he would do it in the morning. I too was OK with that but told him he needed to have it done by 1200 since we had planned a visit to my parents house to take them to dinner. By 900am no yard work was being done. So I did it. Once I finished I came in to see my step son sitting in front of the TV eating cereal, it’s just after 1200. He said he was sorry he didn’t get up to do the yard, I responded by telling him I was sadly getting used to him not keeping his word. Later as we were getting ready to go the yard topic came up again… he gave me some reason for not doing the work, I informed him that he always had an excuse for not doing what he said he was going to do. That set off the fireworks. he then decided he was not going to go… his Mom wanted me to apologize so he would go, I refused since I was telling the truth as to what happens. I did apologized for the fact that he was upset by my words but they were true and I would not apologize for them. As I told her he was mad because he was called on his lack following through his inability to keep his word. yeah I know he’s 13 but he should be able to do what he says… what is expected of him. Hell on Monday he asked to use his Mom’s laptop; she told him yes as long as he got dressed for the day. Two hours later he comes down stairs… NOT dressed. I brought it to his and his Mom’s attention. You would have thought I shot someone… I got a load of crap about “sorry I’m not perfect”… WHAT DOES BEING PERFECT HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING DRESSED AS YOUR MOM SAID??!! His mom said nothing to him, I was PISSED OFF. I kept my mouth shut, I realize I expect too much.

Friday night I was informed by my wife that her daughter told her she thinks I don’t like her. I told wife she was close to being correct. I told my wife I did not like the person her daughter was around the house. She is very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. So I headed upstairs to talk with my step-daughter. As I began to talk I started things of as I said to her mother. My stepdaughter seemed to take what I said to heart. I told her she had been; very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. Thus I reacted by keeping my distance from her. I told her I did not want to be around someone that treated their mother so poorly. I also told her that I thought she had good qualities or she wouldn’t have the number of friends that she has. She agreed with me. I let here know I was hurt by hearing her mother talk about how she has been cut out of her daughters life. Prom came and went and her mother was not asked to be involved and when she did try was cut off. That and other things I told her make me not want to be around her.I told her I know I am hard to live with but I see things real simple and have trouble understanding why they, her and her brother, can’t follow my list;

  • Respect you Mother
  • Follow you Mothers rules *simple things like bedtime, do the dishes, etc…*
  • Do what your Mother says or asks

(I quite frankly EXPECT these to be done.)

I think my step-daughter understood what I was saying; later that night before she headed to bed her mom and both got good night hugs and prior to hat she actually sat and talked with us a bit. It was nice to see the change, I hope it continues. Yes there are still issues and one night is not a show that all is solved but it is a move the right direction.

Right now my step-son is on my out list. He was asking me to take him to play paintball, help him and friends start their summer workout, etc… I will not do it. I have my conditions until they are met regularly his mom or dad can deal with him.

June 1, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment


On May 1 my wife and I bought a pool table and foosball table for our game room, they were delivered on Saturday May 8. We thought it would be something the kids would be able to enjoy with us and their friends. The kids were at their Dad’s house Friday and Saturday and came home on Sunday morning for Mother’s Day. Talk about under excited!!! I figured they would be quite excited to see the tables and want to play right away, instead it was more like Mom and stepdad bought a new dust mop for the house.

After the Mother’s Day dinner and family had gone home and my stepdaughter went to work my stepson and I played pool. After the first game we got my wife in to it also and the three of us played pool. We then played foosball, them against me. We had a good time with verbal jabs and laughter; I won. I want to teach my stepson the proper way to play foosball so he can be the winner against his friends.

It’s hurtful how the kids react to the things their mother does for them. She loves her kids dearly but seems to get knocked down and ignored more than anything. Especially by her daughter(SD) who seems to have become one of the most selfish, self centered, disrespectful people I know. All she sees and thinks about is herself and what she wants regardless of what her mother may want to do for her, need her to do, etc… Hell they can’t even have a civil conversation with out SD getting an attitude as if she is being interrogated.

My wife’s mother came to stay with us over the weekend, she arrived Friday afternoon before 3pm. My stepdaughter decided it was more important to go swimming with friends instead of taking a few minutes to see her Grandmother and Grandfather that she hadn’t seen in 6 months, I believe. It’s little things like this that really make me wonder why I should bother to do anything for her. Her birthday is this week and we have graciously been allowed to take her to dinner tonight, we found out this morning.

At least her son is more caring, he seems to really enjoy being around family and us. Yes he can get into the mode where he is an absolute pain and create problems and be disrespectful, etc… but in the grand scheme of things he enjoys being around family.

It’s so damn frustrating. I just don’t understand it.

May 10, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misconceptions of being a step-parent

Many of us, at least me, think that when we find the right person to fall in love with we have it made. If that person has children, either living with them or only part time, we think we have an instant family. For me that was not true.

At first it seemed that it might be true but as time has passed I have found that I am really the outsider. I have the responsibility to provide for my step-children in all ways but it ends there. I don’t have the bond that a parent would have. I tend to think respect toward the parent is priority but if that is not the way the kids were originally raised I can’t change that.

I thought that we would do things together, vacation, picnics, movie night, etc… Yes we have done some of these things but the joy I thought would be there is missing. I am sure some of the problem is mine; I have issue with kids not doing what they are told to do. I know they will forget at times, I know they will fight some things, but when that becomes the norm not the exception I begin to have issue with it. I draw the proverbial line in the sand and begin to put a stop to the norm.

But, as time progresses I have come to realize this thought of responsibility is wrong. Yes I will care for the needs of my step-kids; no one goes hungry or is in need of clothing, etc… but don’t expect me help in other ways. Yes, I have conditions that must be met if you want something from me and silly me has the audacity to think they are simple and easy;

  • Respect your parents (Mother and Father) and show it.
  • Follow the rules of the house
  • Do the chores your mother has given you.
  • Do them when she says.
  • Do what you mother tells you, no arguments.

I once thought that the kids would at least provide respect to me because I was the other adult in the house, their Mom’s husband, etc… Boy was I wrong. I have finally stopped pushing for any kind of respect from the kids toward me and have told them that. I also told them that they should respect their mother and father and that I would do everything I had to too make sure they at least showed respect toward them. If that means being the EVIL step-dad then so be it.

I will do what my wife asks of me to help her and to try to make her happy. Unfortunately the story book family dream I had does not exist and never will.

April 27, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

New Used Car

It looks like I’ll be purchasing a ‘New used Car’ for my stepdaughter. In July 2009 we found a used 2001 Hyundai Sonata for $2300 that we purchased for her. It unfortunately has turned into a money pit… I am by no means a car buff and will not pretend to be one. I did have the car checked out by the shop we use and nothing major was found to be a problem.

Now the alternator and A/C compressor have gone and it will cost just about the price of the car to get it fixed.

Time to cut our loses and find something better, more mechanically reliable. Now to figure out what that is. I refuse, as does my wife, to buy her a new car. I am actually thinking about having her, stepdaughter, make payments on the new used car.

Just one more thing to add the stress bucket and cost bucket of the last two weeks.

The bucket: Bear, work, Home, car…

April 22, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Moving out

I just found out my step-daughter is planning to move to her Dad’s after she graduates from High School in a few months. This really doesn’t make her Mother very happy. Her mother asked her what was going to do with her things in her room… her response was to move her clothes. Then she was asked about college, the reply was her Dad and boyfriend could help her move.

This makes me think she is going to cut away from her mother. She’ll be 18 and has that right. My questions are what financial help will I now be responsible to handle. While living in our house I was  fine doing what was needed, when she moves out what then??? My thought is her Dad is now responsible or she is.

College requirements per my step-daughter;

  • refridgerator
  • laptop
  • printer
  • etc…

Things we WERE going to get… Should I now or is it her Dad’s responsibility? From my understanding her Dad is not able to help much with college costs which leaves the burden on her Mother and I. Does this change now that she will not be living with us?

The entire idea of her moving out, the way it is being done, is hurting her Mother greatly, yet she will not say anything to her daughter.

I’m a bit confused on what to do and what my responsibilities are and if they change any.

She is a good kid but quite self centered and inconsiderate when it comes to her Mother.

I guess time will tell. I’ll do what her Mother wants, but i will let her know my thoughts and will not hesitate to to say NO if I see an issue.

April 7, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


I had a quiet evening in the woods Saturday night, with plenty of time to think and analyze life. Home life still gives me grief; I don’t see the kids giving their Mother the respect she deserves much less providing any to me. I was again was put in my place with the words “I wasn’t talking to you” by my stepson. That really didn’t sit well with me I clearly let him know; I was later told by my wife that I was too hard.

I’ve reached the point that I really don’t enjoy going home. It’s bad that I feel this way but I do. I am sure most of the problem is me not being able to let go of  the way I feel kids should respect their parents, and the fact that I have come to the realization I have little influence to affect change in that at home.

This is really getting old, I seem to be writing the same things over and over. I feel invisible so often that I wonder why I am there.

My stepdaughter goes off to college this fall she thinks she is ready, at times I really wonder. “Being on my own” is what I hear then she comes asking for money or makes comments about us spending her college money. Who worked to make the money? She doesn’t have a job but might be lucky to get one today after her interview. She was supposed to be working in order the have the car she has been driving since summer. It’s not the money that bothers me but the fact that what I have laid down as the requirements are flat ignored. The agreement, at least I thought, was to have a job to buy gas to drive the car. Instead she used Birthday and Christmas money to fund the car use. The job was all about learning responsibility. It got to the point I couldn’t even bring up the job subject without getting a disgusted response which in turn angered me, etc… I was finally to the point I just shut down. Nothing gets resolved.

My stepson stays in his little world and plays his Xbox. When told to do something there are hundreds of reasons why he can’t do it, from I don’t want to, to something hurts or just flat ignoring the issue. When I try to enforce the rules I turn into the bad guy. I’m tired of it, I am invisible. It seems to not really matter what I do we end up with me taking the side of “do what your Mother has said”. Which in turn makes me the bad guy.

The bottom line is I feel invisible. I hurt inside, I feel empty, I feel that I have little value at home other than to take up space and play with my dog. Yes, I try off and on but nothing lasts. I eventually fall into the same feelings of uselessness and irritation over the respect issue which in turn takes me off track. It’s even affecting work, hence I am writing right now. My motivation to do more to work to make things better is pretty much gone. I just exist… One day I hope to find a solution but for now I will remain invisible.

March 8, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


Entitlements. I can’t count how many times I have seen/heard someone complain about not getting something. I have heard it from people on the street, people at work, people on TV, politicians, kids, etc…

It outright blows my mind. Why do people think they are owed something just because they don’t have it and someone else does?  It makes me think of Socialism, Marxism and Communism. Yes the definitions are a bit off but the main idea is the same; take from someone to give to some else. I guess it’s more of a socialist thought process;

‘a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.’

It seems no one is willing to work for what they want. And too many have the “keep up with the Jones’” mentality. Why? It drives me nuts.

I have no problem with someone wanting things; just don’t expect someone else to provide them…. Get off your lazy ass and work for it.

Do I believe there are no good reasons for entitlements… No! I believe those people that are truly in need; the handicapped, the elderly and our military all deserve some form of assistance or entitlement. They do need to work to provide for themselves as much as possible but I can see the need to provide services for them.

Our military personnel should NEVER be in need of anything while in or out of the service. Too many times our military is forgotten once they have completed their time. That is wrong. They have given everything, literally in some cases, for this country and its’ people. The least that can be done is to make sure they have ALL their needs met when they cannot provide for themselves.

Children; many of them in good homes seem to think that Mom and Dad should give them everything they want… Can you say “No”? Food, shelter, clothing and education are the needs, everything else should be earned. Yes parents can provide other gifts, etc… for their kids but they do need to learn quickly that they, the kids, need to work for the wants they have also. Being a good parent does not mean you must bow down to every whim and want the kids have.

We need to grow good strong kids and take care of those in need. And everyone needs to understand there are no entitlements in this world.

January 5, 2010 Posted by | General, Kids, Parenting, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

On going Frustration

I continue to be frustrated by what I see as the kids lack of respect toward their mother. Little things like do the dishes when you get home from school, go to bed when told, come down stairs when called (don’t ask why), wear your coat, etc… It drives me up the wall. I have been told the kids should do what their Mom says because she says not because I get involved. But this ingrained HATRED for the lack of action, disrespect as I see it makes it VERY hard for me to stay out of the conversations. Unfortunately when I do get involved I will quickly escalate the problem and make it worse many times.

I don’t know how to handle this. I was raised to do as I was told, and I did. If I didn’t I felt the consequences of my actions or in-actions. These guys have no clue of consequences.

I am frustrated and pissed off at times.

The last two days I have tried to keep my mouth shut and have even walked out of the room or house when the disrespect starts. I don’t want to be around it and don’t seem to have any control to correct it.

December 8, 2009 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment


I have come to the realization that my step daughter does not want to see things my way and will fight against me if I try to push her in any direction.

For three weeks I believe she has not worked at the job she had to get in order to have a car. I have tried a few times to make her understand she needs to work to pay for gas and to do other things she would like. The last time I tried she gave me the “I don’t want to talk about it” response. What money she had saved I am guessing is soon to me gone which will make it  very hard to feed the car; with gas prices near $2.45 per gallon she will be out of cash soon. At that point she will be going to Mom for money to fill the tank. I am against doing this for any other purpose that going to/from school. That means no more going to lunch with friends and running around town for the hell of it.  I feel we, her Mom and I, did our part; we bought the car, paid to have it thoroughly check by a mechanic, pay the insurance cost and other upkeep needs; all she is responsible to do is have a job to buy gasoline.

She has said many times she wants to make her own mistakes… here comes one of many. No job. No money. No go.


November 2, 2009 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment