Stepdad's Thoughts

My thought and feelings.

Just not up to it….

I’ve not posted lately simply because I am not feeling up to putting all my thoughts online. Lately I have had much self doubt… I’m finding it hard to be motivated to really do much. I’ve had to put on a good face for some family functions but truthfully my heart is not in it. I’ve not been to Hapkido or done any type of exercise. Work is getting done simply because I have been dragged into issues.

I sure wish I new what the problem was.

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July 7, 2011 Posted by | Concerns, General | , , , , | Leave a comment

Last few weeks

The last few weeks have really been messy.

The end of April to the beginning of May I was in Kentucky trying to get a temporary office up and running since the regular office was being flooded by the Ohio River. That managed to put several things on hold or delayed them. I’ve managed to spend more time catching up and fighting fires since then. Spending two full days out of the office at our Co-Location site re-cabling and replacing gear is a nice change but is also very wearing.

On top of all this I have had a VERY short fuse with just about everyone. I am tired of not being listened to both at home and at work. Having to having the same conversation multiple times because the person I am talking with can’t seem to remember shit is driving me nuts. And the lack of my opinion meaning anything at home just pushes me to the end of my rope.

The last couple of nights I’ve started having a drink thinking it might make me less irritable or at least be able to cope a little better. It’s been 50/50 so far.

I’ve not been to Hapkido either which has also been a bother to me. I’ve either been at work, too tired or simply not in the right mindset. And yes this irritates me to. I plan on going tonight. I have my test for Deputy I on June 2, this is the first step in the Black Belt review; the whole process takes about a year. I am going to need to change my ways if I am going to reach Black Belt. I don’t feel I am in good enough physical shape to pass the physical requirements, God help me get my head in the game.

The sad thing is I am just flat tired of feeling unappreciated and disrespected. And I don’t know how to change things.

May 24, 2011 Posted by | Concerns, General, Hap Ki Do | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Look in my eyes

My stepson was a REAL ass last night to his mother. She went up stairs to make sure he was headed to bed; she found him sitting in the floor with the radio blaring, the TV on, lights on in three rooms. She told him it was time to go to bed and that he did not need to have everything on and loud. He looked at her and said, “look at these eyes, does it look like I care”. I was down stairs and heard this so I went up stairs, since he did not say it to me I was not going to get on him. I did say it was amazing how his poor attitude and disrespect can make everyone miserable in the house. I later told my wife that if he was my flesh and blood I would have put a good whipping to him, taken any number of his electronics away… ANYTHING to make it quite clear that was not acceptable. She was too tired, too beat down I think, to try to fight it. She said she would address it the next day, that’s today. I am of the opinion that things require immediate action for the punishment to really mean anything.

I had trouble falling a sleep last night because I was so pissed off over the shitty actions of the boy. He’s 13, you would think he would have a bit more sense.

He’s not my son, flesh and blood, so I am not going to take him the proverbial wood shed where he needs to go to get a KING SIZE whipping. I will how ever keep my distance and NOT take him hunting with me… Over reaction on my part? Maybe. But I tired of the crap, it makes life around the house tough.

If you want to act like an ass then I will treat you like one.

October 15, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Back to the usual

I’m back in the office after a week working in remote offices performing upgrades and after the Memorial Day weekend.

Once again I was able to open my mouth and prove I am able to create problems in the house. Yard work; I was told by my stepson that he was going to mow the yard on Saturday after he played paintball with his friends which I was fine with. Once he got home he was then too hot and sweaty to do the yard but he would do it in the morning. I too was OK with that but told him he needed to have it done by 1200 since we had planned a visit to my parents house to take them to dinner. By 900am no yard work was being done. So I did it. Once I finished I came in to see my step son sitting in front of the TV eating cereal, it’s just after 1200. He said he was sorry he didn’t get up to do the yard, I responded by telling him I was sadly getting used to him not keeping his word. Later as we were getting ready to go the yard topic came up again… he gave me some reason for not doing the work, I informed him that he always had an excuse for not doing what he said he was going to do. That set off the fireworks. he then decided he was not going to go… his Mom wanted me to apologize so he would go, I refused since I was telling the truth as to what happens. I did apologized for the fact that he was upset by my words but they were true and I would not apologize for them. As I told her he was mad because he was called on his lack following through his inability to keep his word. yeah I know he’s 13 but he should be able to do what he says… what is expected of him. Hell on Monday he asked to use his Mom’s laptop; she told him yes as long as he got dressed for the day. Two hours later he comes down stairs… NOT dressed. I brought it to his and his Mom’s attention. You would have thought I shot someone… I got a load of crap about “sorry I’m not perfect”… WHAT DOES BEING PERFECT HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING DRESSED AS YOUR MOM SAID??!! His mom said nothing to him, I was PISSED OFF. I kept my mouth shut, I realize I expect too much.

Friday night I was informed by my wife that her daughter told her she thinks I don’t like her. I told wife she was close to being correct. I told my wife I did not like the person her daughter was around the house. She is very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. So I headed upstairs to talk with my step-daughter. As I began to talk I started things of as I said to her mother. My stepdaughter seemed to take what I said to heart. I told her she had been; very self-centered, selfish, disrespectful toward her mother. Thus I reacted by keeping my distance from her. I told her I did not want to be around someone that treated their mother so poorly. I also told her that I thought she had good qualities or she wouldn’t have the number of friends that she has. She agreed with me. I let here know I was hurt by hearing her mother talk about how she has been cut out of her daughters life. Prom came and went and her mother was not asked to be involved and when she did try was cut off. That and other things I told her make me not want to be around her.I told her I know I am hard to live with but I see things real simple and have trouble understanding why they, her and her brother, can’t follow my list;

  • Respect you Mother
  • Follow you Mothers rules *simple things like bedtime, do the dishes, etc…*
  • Do what your Mother says or asks

(I quite frankly EXPECT these to be done.)

I think my step-daughter understood what I was saying; later that night before she headed to bed her mom and both got good night hugs and prior to hat she actually sat and talked with us a bit. It was nice to see the change, I hope it continues. Yes there are still issues and one night is not a show that all is solved but it is a move the right direction.

Right now my step-son is on my out list. He was asking me to take him to play paintball, help him and friends start their summer workout, etc… I will not do it. I have my conditions until they are met regularly his mom or dad can deal with him.

June 1, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Outsider

I am back in that place where I feel like the outsider in my own house. I’ve written about this before, I just don’t feel that I belong in this house. I see discipline and respect disregarded too much and when I get to the point I’ve had enough it’s too hard and I end up being the bad guy. Last night I had my stepson change the channel to a show I knew his Mom liked to watch. Actually I had him auto-tune it so the TV would change at the proper time. He did it then said he would have to go upstairs, he was watching a show… so as he got up to leave I told him to put it on the desired channel… he them complained that I should do it… I told him he should do it since I was in the kitchen working on dinner and he was standing next to the TV… the bitching from him continued in which I told him to shut up before he got into real trouble.

I was then cross examined by my wife on what I did wrong… I lost it… All I was doing was having a show on the TV that I knew she liked to watch, the boy had been home since 3pm, it was now 7pm, watching TV so I felt it would be OK for her to see a show she liked.

No good deed goes unpunished!!!

I spent the rest of the evening by my self… I just don’t feel lie I belong. I tried to do something not to make anyone mad but to do something little I thought my wife would like. I guess I need to not worry about what others will like and just take care of myself.

May 18, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why?

On May 1 my wife and I bought a pool table and foosball table for our game room, they were delivered on Saturday May 8. We thought it would be something the kids would be able to enjoy with us and their friends. The kids were at their Dad’s house Friday and Saturday and came home on Sunday morning for Mother’s Day. Talk about under excited!!! I figured they would be quite excited to see the tables and want to play right away, instead it was more like Mom and stepdad bought a new dust mop for the house.

After the Mother’s Day dinner and family had gone home and my stepdaughter went to work my stepson and I played pool. After the first game we got my wife in to it also and the three of us played pool. We then played foosball, them against me. We had a good time with verbal jabs and laughter; I won. I want to teach my stepson the proper way to play foosball so he can be the winner against his friends.

It’s hurtful how the kids react to the things their mother does for them. She loves her kids dearly but seems to get knocked down and ignored more than anything. Especially by her daughter(SD) who seems to have become one of the most selfish, self centered, disrespectful people I know. All she sees and thinks about is herself and what she wants regardless of what her mother may want to do for her, need her to do, etc… Hell they can’t even have a civil conversation with out SD getting an attitude as if she is being interrogated.

My wife’s mother came to stay with us over the weekend, she arrived Friday afternoon before 3pm. My stepdaughter decided it was more important to go swimming with friends instead of taking a few minutes to see her Grandmother and Grandfather that she hadn’t seen in 6 months, I believe. It’s little things like this that really make me wonder why I should bother to do anything for her. Her birthday is this week and we have graciously been allowed to take her to dinner tonight, we found out this morning.

At least her son is more caring, he seems to really enjoy being around family and us. Yes he can get into the mode where he is an absolute pain and create problems and be disrespectful, etc… but in the grand scheme of things he enjoys being around family.

It’s so damn frustrating. I just don’t understand it.

May 10, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misconceptions of being a step-parent

Many of us, at least me, think that when we find the right person to fall in love with we have it made. If that person has children, either living with them or only part time, we think we have an instant family. For me that was not true.

At first it seemed that it might be true but as time has passed I have found that I am really the outsider. I have the responsibility to provide for my step-children in all ways but it ends there. I don’t have the bond that a parent would have. I tend to think respect toward the parent is priority but if that is not the way the kids were originally raised I can’t change that.

I thought that we would do things together, vacation, picnics, movie night, etc… Yes we have done some of these things but the joy I thought would be there is missing. I am sure some of the problem is mine; I have issue with kids not doing what they are told to do. I know they will forget at times, I know they will fight some things, but when that becomes the norm not the exception I begin to have issue with it. I draw the proverbial line in the sand and begin to put a stop to the norm.

But, as time progresses I have come to realize this thought of responsibility is wrong. Yes I will care for the needs of my step-kids; no one goes hungry or is in need of clothing, etc… but don’t expect me help in other ways. Yes, I have conditions that must be met if you want something from me and silly me has the audacity to think they are simple and easy;

  • Respect your parents (Mother and Father) and show it.
  • Follow the rules of the house
  • Do the chores your mother has given you.
  • Do them when she says.
  • Do what you mother tells you, no arguments.

I once thought that the kids would at least provide respect to me because I was the other adult in the house, their Mom’s husband, etc… Boy was I wrong. I have finally stopped pushing for any kind of respect from the kids toward me and have told them that. I also told them that they should respect their mother and father and that I would do everything I had to too make sure they at least showed respect toward them. If that means being the EVIL step-dad then so be it.

I will do what my wife asks of me to help her and to try to make her happy. Unfortunately the story book family dream I had does not exist and never will.

April 27, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bear – update 4

Bear spent the day at a specialists office to have an endoscopy performed in hopes of finding the reason he is not keeping food down. Everything looked fine was the report from the vet, so we are still in the dark as to what is going on. It’s been about an hour since we fed him a small portion of rice and chicken (minced) with chicken broth. Our hopes are he will keep it down. The medicine he was taking has been changed, thinking that may have been the cause.

A bird mocking bird just made a squawking sound and that sure perked him up. He was ready to get what ever it was.

His energy level really hasn’t been impacted too hard… that’s not true. His energy level is high for a short period then he has to rest a bit then it is back. After not really eating for 2+ days it is quite remarkable to me.

He is a tough guy and I sure hope he mends soon so we can get back to our nightly walks and all his other activities, seeing like this is really tough. I want him to get back to his normal self.

April 22, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General | , , , , | Leave a comment

The Bucket

The short list of issues, concerns, stress points, etc. that are being handled right now.

  • Bear
    • Bear our family pet is having a number of medical problems starting with his left eye that was knocked out by a larger dog. The things we have had to do to try to save his eye have placed a lot of stress on my wife and I. Stress from the VERY regular medical needs, pills, eye drops, vet visits, etc… And to compound things he is now unable to keep food down. He is begging for food but with throw up the food shortly after eating. We are at our wits end as to what to do. He is now in the hands of a specialist to try to find the cause of this.
  • Home
    • Home is the usual… kids not doing the things we need them to do. Arguing when told to do something. Not telling us of the things they need until they are late. As I’ve said before disrespect toward their mother. The list goes on and on and on….
  • Work
    • Time tables to complete tasks are getting tight. I have had to stay home numerous days, as has my wife, to care for Bear. This has created its own problems.
  • Car
    • My step daughter’s car, a new problem, is a money pit and we now will need to cut our losses and replace it.
  • College
    • Where is the money coming from to pay the first year tuition? I can’t even begin to consider years 2, 3 and 4. Yes, 4 years… after four we pay no more.
  • The list continues…

April 22, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , | Leave a comment

New Used Car

It looks like I’ll be purchasing a ‘New used Car’ for my stepdaughter. In July 2009 we found a used 2001 Hyundai Sonata for $2300 that we purchased for her. It unfortunately has turned into a money pit… I am by no means a car buff and will not pretend to be one. I did have the car checked out by the shop we use and nothing major was found to be a problem.

Now the alternator and A/C compressor have gone and it will cost just about the price of the car to get it fixed.

Time to cut our loses and find something better, more mechanically reliable. Now to figure out what that is. I refuse, as does my wife, to buy her a new car. I am actually thinking about having her, stepdaughter, make payments on the new used car.

Just one more thing to add the stress bucket and cost bucket of the last two weeks.

The bucket: Bear, work, Home, car…

April 22, 2010 Posted by | Concerns, General, Kids, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment